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<\/p>\nAfter such a reflective season’s passing, and many days spent with family, I know I’ve thanked God numerous times for our many blessings of family, health and prosperity.\u00a0 I’ll admit, however, most of those prayers have been spoken hundreds, if not thousands of times.\u00a0 Repeated. Rehearsed.\u00a0 Routine.<\/p>\n
Those moments that throw me back into times of complete despair are when I utter my most heart-felt words to my precious Christ.\u00a0 I’m not proud of that-the fact that it takes such magnitude for my prayers to be real, raw and honest. \u00a0 I think my new year’s resolution will be to pray with the fervent heart of my most trying times.<\/p>\n
Tonight, Mary Clare and I were watching a movie on her iPad.\u00a0 It was plugged into the kitchen wall, charging and I suggested we move to her bedroom.\u00a0 She grabbed the iPad.\u00a0 I grabbed the cord.\u00a0 As we slowly walked into her room, she said, “Mom, this is just like when I was in the hospital and you carried my boxes. Remember?”<\/p>\n
A suffocating memory crept into my chest.<\/p>\n
I have no idea how much she remembers from her surgeries.\u00a0 When I ask her, she always mentions her “cast,” which was a wrap of tape on her arm covering her IV.\u00a0 I’m almost happy that of the months in the hospital and many procedures she has endured, a small IV is what she remembers most.\u00a0 Sometimes she’ll remember the Atrium and specific toys with which she played.\u00a0 Tonight she remembered being connected to her chest drainage “boxes.”<\/p>\n
After her third open heart surgery, she had three tubes sutured into her chest which left their marks.\u00a0 Other than the tell-tale zipper down her chest, these are the most prominent scars on her tiny body, two quarter sized scars where the tubes once captured fluid that drained from her chest.\u00a0 The tubes were connected to collection chambers.\u00a0 These two “boxes” were beside her bed, followed us to the Atrium, were with her day and night for weeks.\u00a0 She has never spoken of them until tonight.<\/p>\n
There are two memories, specifically, that bring about insurmountable pain, probably two of my darkest hours.\u00a0 During these moments, I cried out with every ounce of my being.\u00a0 I prayed with all that I am.<\/p>\n
One of those memories was when Mary Clare’s drain tubes were being removed.\u00a0 Hearing her screams brought a feeling of complete and utter helplessness, fear and anger.\u00a0 I couldn’t take away the immense physical pain she endured.\u00a0 It was necessary.\u00a0 I begged God to give me the pain.\u00a0 I prayed that she would remember nothing of it.\u00a0 I prayed that she not hate me for allowing it to happen.\u00a0 And honestly, I prayed for God to forgive me for hating him at that moment.<\/p>\n
I was earnestly praying.<\/p>\n
Another one of those memories was on the night of Mary Clare’s birth, June 27, 2007.<\/p>\n
Mel was on a work conference call away from the hospital.\u00a0 I walked from the maternity ward to PCIUC, where my sweet newborn was sleeping.\u00a0 A few hours passed.\u00a0 I relished in my time with her, breathing in her sweet breath, noticing every little wrinkle and admiring her tiny pink bow that Joy, her kind nurse,\u00a0 placed in her hair.\u00a0 Just before I kissed her goodnight and headed back to my room, I heard an alarm sound.\u00a0 Immediately, I was alone, crouched in the hallway outside of the PCICU doors.\u00a0 She coded and I had no idea if I would see my baby girl alive again.<\/p>\n
I was so angry, sad, and confused, but I prayed.\u00a0 I don’t even remember how long I was in the hallway.\u00a0 I know I wept and\u00a0 kept repeating, “Your Will be done. Your Will be done.”\u00a0 It was a time that I\u00a0 prayed for nothing and everything at once.\u00a0 I didn’t see her awake until after her surgery 5 days later. I was helpless, scared and angry.<\/p>\n
I earnestly prayed.<\/p>\n
As life goes on and time heals, I find myself recalling those memories less and less.\u00a0 Memories that have changed me, that define me, that shake me up.\u00a0 I’m not sure how much Mary Clare will remember of her young life and honestly, I hope that as she grows she’ll not remember, only read about them here.\u00a0 But those are two moments of many that I can pinpoint relying entirely on God to breathe, to move, to make it one step further; moments that I poured my soul into his.<\/p>\n
Moments that I am thankful for.<\/p>\n
Thank you, God, for bringing me to my knees tonight and for reminding me to pray fervently without hesitation.\u00a0 Always.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Mary Clare blowing bubbles<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After such a reflective season’s passing, and many days spent with family, I know I’ve thanked God numerous times for our many blessings of family, health and prosperity.\u00a0 I’ll admit, however, most of those prayers have been spoken hundreds, if not thousands of times.\u00a0 Repeated. Rehearsed.\u00a0 Routine. Those moments that throw me back into times […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8520","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8520"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8520\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9095,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8520\/revisions\/9095"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8520"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8520"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.babypennington.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8520"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}