Enjoying the moments

A couple of months ago I began a post, kept it in my draft file and deleted it after a week or so.   The post began “I’m back to that place again.”  It was another venting session that allowed me to let go of some of that anxiety I had been facing about Mary Clare’s upcoming surgery.

With her second birthday approaching, the realization of another open heart surgery overwhelms me.  Occasionally,  I sit at my computer late at night and research, read, and cry all over again.   It has been a while .  I would even dare to say that within the previous year there were many days that her little half-heart didn’t cross my mind.  Lately, however, I’ve been feeling exactly like I did when I was pregnant with her.   Scared.  Over the past two years, I have spoken to so many other heart moms; other scared moms who only want to hear answers, grasping for support, seeking  encouragement, and I find myself trying desperately to listen to my own advice as I, myself,  am right back to that place again.  I loved Mary Clare with every ounce of my being before she was born and it was excruciatingly difficult knowing she was inside of me, perfect and healthy, but would endure so much once she was born.  Again, she seems so perfect and healthy and I know that I must let it all go and pray that God will return her safely to me.  Letting go and loss of control is a bit difficult for me, anyone would tell you.  It is especially difficult now when I can close my eyes and see her sweet, chubby  cheeks, mass of messy, yellow curls and hear her tiny two-year-old voice saying, “Wov You, Mommy.”

We have an appointment on June 24 at MUSC, three days before my sweet Mary Clare turns two.  We were told in the beginning that she would have her third surgery between the ages of 3-5.  The time is quickly approaching, as the past 18 months and three days since her last surgery have seemed to fly by.   People tell me often that they don’t know how we do it.  How we face knowing that our baby lives her life with only half of a heart.   Honestly, I don’t know how we do it either.   I’m humbled when I stop and realize that we do in fact have her here with us when so many other heart babies now dance in heaven.   I’m certainly no hero.  Mary Clare is the one who endures so much.  Seeing her is all that I need to continue on.   She is my miracle and everyday, however difficult at times, we continue on and strive to just let go and enjoy every single moment.

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