Trudging on…

It’s hard for me not to pretend everything is completely fine.  It’s what I do.  Put on a smile and everything falls into place.  Usually.  During the course of events last week, I (for the most part) kept it together.  Until I fell apart, that is.  On Monday, I decided to spend the day with Mary Clare.  I took her to school, explained her health in detail to her teachers and explained her emergency seizure meds.  It was a fun day in her little class.  When we left at noon, I felt okay with leaving her there in the mornings once again as I went back to work.

It didn’t take long for reality to set in.  On Wednesday, to be exact.  I woke up bright and early, jumped into the shower, woke-up McCanless for school and just before we were to walk out of the door ready to begin our day, it started.  I cried.  I sat on my kitchen floor and I cried and could barely breathe.  I called in to work to explain that I was going to be late and I explained to sweet McCanless that Mommy was just sad.  I hate this for her.  I hate that she is learning so many emotions at such a young age.  I don’t want to hide it from her, so I’m forced to explain how scared Mommy is, how seeing my babies hurt makes me cry.  She was so kind and showed maturity well beyond her precious seven years. I hope she can forgive me for having to leave her again for the sake of her baby sister.

I made it to work only to be greeted by many of my dearest friends, other moms who work at THA or just moms hanging out for coffee in the office.  The usual AM crew stopping in to gossip or chat.  We were all in tears before I threw in the towel and left for the day. (Well, for the hour-I left around 10.)

I then made a decision.  I decided after crying all morning, I was done.  I went home, threw on a pair of my favorite jeans and got myself together.  I picked up Mary Clare and realized McCanless had her orthodontist appointment at 12!  Life was continuing on with or without me.  It was a gloriously sunny 70 degree day that I was not about to let go to waste.

I guess everyone has to learn “new normals” in life.  No matter how we go about them, we face them.  We can kick and scream and fight it every step of the way or we can embrace it.  We can put on a smile and everything will fall into place, however that may be.  I may not like it, but life is going on with our without me.

I don’t turn my head for a second when Mary Clare is in the bath now.  I don’t allow her to sit on the edge of the stage at our favorite coffee shop, Midnight Rooster, anymore.  I watch exactly what she eats, I notice her body movements.  I call out to her every few minutes as she’s playing alone in the playroom.  I’m already thinking ahead about her favorite summer pastime, swimming at the pool.

But this week, I’m not watching Mary Clare’s chest for breaths as often.  My heart is not constantly pounding.  I’m not reliving her seizure every time my mind wanders. I’m not thinking too far ahead.

We went to the orthodontist appointment, we all had lunch together, we played in the yard.  McCanless had her very first piano lesson on Wednesday afternoon and Mary Clare and I completed her first school project together, her Terrific Kid poster.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was so very precious.  As is life.

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