No words…
I just received a sweet, sweet note from dear friends and neighbors just now. It read:
Words.
Wish I knew some.
I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, officially today, and as bluntly as that sounds, it shocks no less stated differently. It’s how I was told yesterday, point blank, holding the hands of a stranger, lying alone on a paper covered table in a dimly lit exam room. I received the call with the biopsy results just an hour ago, confirming what my gut and Dr. Cupples already knew.
I can’t say that I’m angry. Or sad. Yet. I have, a few times in the past 24 hours, questioned God. What else? Why now? But for the other 23.5 hours in the day, I’ve played with the girls, cleaned house and I’m doing what I do. Today, however, I’m savoring those little mundane tasks a bit more than I might otherwise. I drove to Wal-Mart to buy Pledge and thoroughly enjoyed my coffee and the beautiful morning drive. I made grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup for lunch and asked McCanless to say her own prayer so I could hear her sweet voice and personal requests. I had the girls nap-and they did so quite easily for once- so I could quietly blog, vent, enjoy the hum of the den ceiling fan alone. I’ve often thanked God today, something that I should do everyday despite the circumstances. I’m living. I’m learning.
It comes as no surprise to my family that I’m being nonchalant about it all. Although, I’m not really trying to be. Ironically as it sounds, I’ve never been much of a talker or worrier, for that matter. I can easily pour my heart and soul out on my blog somehow though. This is where they see a small window into my brain. I truly wish I was better at it in person, but I’m not. So I blog.
It’s odd. I feel like only women over 40 get breast cancer. I do still have 6 more years to go! Yesterday, I could only think of my dear friend, Betsy, who lost her mother to breast cancer when we were in elementary school. First grade, I think. She left behind Betsy’s older brother and my curly haired friend at such tender ages. I always ached for Betsy, but never with the understanding as I do now. I always thought of Betsy. Yesterday, every ounce of my being and my every thought was with her mother and how painful it was knowing she was leaving her babies behind.
Yesterday, Mel and I ate and laughed and ate some more to deal with the news. Mel is definitely a stress-eater. I was simply along for the ride, but we couldn’t help but laugh together. It’s what we do. In fact, he’s already designed our “Relay for Life” t-shirts to read: Half-a-heart, half-a-boob and half-a-brain. (We’re still working on a “half” nickname for McCanless.)
I’m certainly not the first to fight this battle and I’m not the only one. I know I’ll beat this. I have no doubt in my mind. It’s just another bump in the road that forces us to stop dead in our tracks and realize that we aren’t in control.
There are no words to explain how I feel right now. There aren’t enough words to explain how thankful I am for my life and everyone in it. Just like Bec’s note, I’m not sure of what to say or how to say it. I do know we have so many on our side and if my MC can beat the odds and make it through three open-heart surgeries and Epilepsy with her tiny half-heart, this will be a piece of cake for me. Pink cake!
31 Comments
Hannah on August 9th, 2011
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, but never commented. I am SO sorry for your news. Please know that I am praying for you!
Amy on August 9th, 2011
Kerri, I just wanted to say I love you and I know everything will be ok because youre the strongest, most patient, bravest, and most importantly a fighter- it’s where MC gets it from. If I can do anything let me know. xoxo.
Amy
Judy Brown on August 9th, 2011
Words…You have them all and express yourself so eloquently! There are no words of self pity or anger or even disbelief. Only a quiet acceptance and a determination to fight this just like you have fought for your family. Your strong, quiet but ever present faith is so apparent in all your blogs. Please know that all the people that you have inspired will be lifting you and your family in prayer to our gracious and loving and all powerful and merciful God. I have already started my prayers for your successful journey in this fight, and will continue to love and pray for you! You know where I am and that I will do anything you need done, anytime and anywhere! With so much love, Judy
Alli on August 9th, 2011
Oh my goodness. What more can your family be asked to go through this year? Your candor with words is wonderful and I hope that the blog continues to be a source of emotional processing for you in yet another journey to conquer. In spite of the bad news, I have to admit that you had me LAUGHING out loud with your Relay for Life T shirts. Will you please make these in bulk so I can sport one while we pray for your family here in Idaho??? 🙂
Blaire on August 9th, 2011
I too have already said a prayer for you. These are words that I look to…
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Andrea Goodroe on August 9th, 2011
Kerri,
Want you to know that a church member directed me to your posting today. To be completely honest, it is a rare occurrence that I click on a link in anyone’s e-mails, but I know the Lord directed me here today. My heart is broken. I echo the sentiments of others who have already seen you go through so much as a family. The only thing I know to do is to offer this prayer…
Dear Heavenly Father,
I humbly bow before you, the creator of all including precious Kerri. You have her life in your hands and you have a perfect plan for her. When I read her blog the verse that popped in my head was Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” These are your words which have comforted me during difficult times in the past. Lord, I pray that you will comfort Kerri and her family as well with these words knowing that you are in control and that you have GREAT plans for them. You’ve already seen them through so much and I know that you will see them through this, too. Lord, I ask you to heal Kerri’s body. I pray for strength and encouragement as she and her family face difficult decisions, but most of all, I pray for your peace and love to overwhelm them during this time. Lord, thank you for this family and for their commitment to you. May it only grow stronger as they lean on you for guidance and strength in the months to come. Help me to remember them in prayer and to watch expectantly for you to work another miracle in their lives. I love you, Lord, and thank you for what you have done and will do in and through Kerri’s life! In Jesus’ Holy Name I pray, Amen.
The Goodroe family is cheering for you and we promise to lift you up in prayer daily!
Blessings,
Andrea
hhisissy on August 9th, 2011
Dear Kerri,
There is no way that others can know your true thoughts or feelings now. But what we do know, is your courage, faith and strength. You have proven that many times in the last few years. There is no reason to doubt now. You are being called upon to demonstrate these qualities and you will. And you will not do it alone….there are many, many friends and your wonderful family, husband and children who will walk with you and hold your hand and heart. Trust in your doctors, yourself and in God…the rest will be as you said, a “pink cake”. Like many others, I am here for you in this new journey. Much love, Sissy
Cathy Flowers (Hill) on August 9th, 2011
You and your family will be in my prayers
Cathy Flowers (Hill) on August 9th, 2011
My dad was also told he had cancer 3 years ago now ( colon)…..God can do amazing things- keep God in your thoughts every minute and I think we are all surprised daily of what he can do in our lives!
hollyboundsjackson on August 9th, 2011
Kerri- I’m so sorry to learn this news. You are already, one day in, such an inspiration to those who read this. Certainly me. You are a beautiful writer, keep it up. I know, for me, it’s healing to write words when you simply can’t find any to say… and it seems to be the case for you, too. Prayers, love and best wishes.
Rachel Medlin on August 9th, 2011
Once again, Judy has expressed my very thoughts and I would have done so had I seen this before she did. If need be, we will walk the Survivors’ Lap together at next year’s Relay for Life. I’ll have Mel do a tee shirt for me, too! Mine will have to say something like by-passed heart, 1 boob, 1/2 brain. I’m sure he’ll come up with something!!! LOL You will be covered on my end in prayer. I love you!
Rachel Medlin on August 9th, 2011
By the way, those are all names for me and no one else…:)
Rachel Medlin on August 9th, 2011
OOPS! 🙂
Kimberly on August 9th, 2011
I am seriously picking my jaw up off of the floor. I read your post three times to makes sure that I was comprehending what I was reading. Kerri, I am crying and praying for you right now at the same time. You have been through so much! I know that these things happen to everyone, but why do they have to happen to good people? Your strength and faith amaze me!
Terri Woodham on August 9th, 2011
My beutiful, strong, amazing daughter-I love you you with all my heart. I love you too, Mel. Mom
Terri Woodham on August 9th, 2011
sorry *beautiful*
Amy Wallace on August 9th, 2011
You have got this Kerri…go kick Cancers butt!!! You have so many warriors helping you along the way. Many prayers are going up for you in Greenville SC!!! We have this part of the state covered so go sweet girl…fight the fight with all of your being and we will be at the end to tell you “job well done!” Love you much!
Clemson Julia on August 9th, 2011
Kerri, my heart was just broken when I read these words. I am just SO sorry you are having to go through this. We just never know what lies ahead, do we!! I know with your positive attitude, strength and faith you will get through this! Know we’re praying for you and your sweet family! Love to you all!!
Andrea on August 9th, 2011
Kerri.. I have no words..but you are surrounded in prayer.
Cindy Griggs on August 9th, 2011
Kerri:
You are awesome and such an inspiration to us all… You are so blessed, and I know that you already know that. But, I just want to tell you again – you are going to overcome this hurdle and yet another stumbling block in your faith and in your life. I have faith for you and know that you will continue to be strong and thru his many blessings, will continue to be there for your girls and for Mel. You are their rock! I send you my prayers and ask that God continue to give you his strength!
Love,
Cindy
Shannon on August 9th, 2011
Praying.
Betsy on August 10th, 2011
It’s funny. Before you wrote this, the girls asked if anyone had talked to you. I told them I had and they asked how you were. All I could think to tell them was “She’s strong.” I read this and get the exact same sentiment even if you are venting. You may call it nonchalant, but you have something in you that will carry you through the toughest of times…
Thank you for the sweet words about me and my mother. Medicine has come a long way since she was diagnosed more than 30 years ago. YOU, my dear friend, will be just FINE. It may not be easy. In fact, it will probably be hard. But I and many others will be right here with you every step of the way. Not only will you walk away from this as a mom, wife, daughter, sister, or friend…you will be a survivor!
Kristen on August 10th, 2011
Kerri – I have followed your blog from Buffalo, NY for a while now and have always admired how you deal with adversity. I am heartbroken that this is happening to you. Though we’ve never met I will keep your family in my prayers.
Paige on August 10th, 2011
Kerri – You are in my thoughts a prayers. Your family is truly and inspiration and I am so glad we’ve been fortunate enough to cross paths. I know that you will beat this, because you have the faith and personality to do so. God bless you and call me before you come back to the Sweet Spot for your PINK CAKE!!! Love you and your precious family. Prayers going up daily!
Paige Smith Webster and family
All the Staff at the Sweet Spot
Melinda Hamby on August 10th, 2011
Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. But you can beat this! And, even though you don’t know me from Adam, if you need ANYTHING, let me know.
Teresa on August 11th, 2011
I have followed your blog for a little more than two years now and have prayed for your family and cheered you on through Mary Claire’s surgeries and battle with epilepsy. I, too, wondered why this would have to happen to you, too, after you have been through so much, especially this year. It is obvious that you have a strong support system and a strong faith in God-two of the most important things you will need. It is time for you to let those you have cared for, care for you.
I have a feeling you will be one of the few people who will have an entire city decorated in pink this October during Breast Cancer Awareness month. Your city loves you, and your family and that is pretty awesome. You are all in my prayers.
Shalyn on August 11th, 2011
I encountered your blog back in 2006 when I was pregnant with my first child and google searching potential names. Somehow I stumbled across your blog and have been hooked ever since.
Your wit, charm, strength, love of your family and zest for life have kept me reading. While we don’t know each other personally, you and your family have touched me and helped me to realize that life is not always what you thought it would be. Through it all, you convey a spirit of hope that makes me want to live each day to it’s fullest and never take a single moment for granted. I thank you for your words and want you to know that you have “friends” praying for you everywhere!!!
lesliekerrigan on August 11th, 2011
Kerri, I read this post yesterday and all I could think about was your strength. Your raw emotion and courage to write what you did shows me that you will beat this! I have no doubt! Facing this news head on and having the attitude to beat this will get you through this! I know Mel, the girls and your entire family will also help you through this! Please know you will be in everyone’s prayers and if there is anything I can do for you, let me know! Keep writing, sharing your story and being you!!
Happy Heart on August 11th, 2011
Ok, Kerri, I am totally in shock sitting here. I am not sure why or if we will ever know why we are on these journies but one thing I know God is with you all the way! When we are weak, HE is strong. You, my friend, must hurry and get well for you will share all that you have learned with the world.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Standing with you in prayer!
love,
jeannie
Happy Heart on August 11th, 2011
PS: You are right, it is amazing how much strength we get from our kids.
Erica May on August 9th, 2011
Kerri, As I got the news from you my heart sank and I thought, oh no, they have already been through so much! Why this? You are human so its ok to think why me or why now? God has plans that don’t always make sense to us and I have lot’s of questions when I meet Him one day 🙂 I have grown to love your family so much as we have watched our girls become “heart warriors” You are so strong and you will fight for yourself and your family!! I am praying with all my heart for that MRI to show No sign of cancer tomorrow!! God can do that and if He chooses not to take it away right now you have an army of people who love you and will fight with you! I love you friend!!
Erica