It hit me yesterday….
I think I’ve realized why all of my recent news hasn’t been as difficult as I assumed it would be. (Not that I would have thought in a million years I’d have breast cancer at age 34, or that my baby would have been that miniscule percentage of those having Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and Epilepsy for that matter.) I even asked Mel if he thought I was being aloof. Shouldn’t I be crying more? Shouldn’t I be more upset?
It all makes sense to me now. When I found out about Mary Clare’s special heart, Mel and I were in a complete state of shock. We walked around for months in a fog barely knowing how to even pronounce Hypoplastic. We were completely lost. Thankfully, she was still perfect and safe in my belly. He and I had time to re-group and learn how to be parents of a medically fragile child before she was born.
Being told my baby has half of a heart was something that changed me forever. That was hard. That was excruciating. I remember many times sitting in the bath tub staring down at my round belly just asking God to keep her in me forever. I knew she was safe and happy there. I was not ready watch her in pain, fighting for survival.
I’m a mom. Mom’s hurt for their babies. I know I’m certainly not the first to say, “If I could take the pain and hurt from my child, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Let it be me.” Moms do that. I’ve lived that. I live it everyday.
This is me I’m talking about now. My focus is on getting myself well so I can continue to be Mary Clare’s biggest fan.
Comparatively speaking, this, my friends, (and by this I mean being told of my cancer) is a walk in the park that will not keep me down.
5 Comments
Jill Snyder on August 14th, 2011
Your amazing Kerri! There is nothing that will bring you down….I envy your attitude! I wish I had an eighth of it! 🙂 I can’t even handle that fact that Hayden is starting HS tomorrow much less think about something more serious! I pray for you everyday as I have for MC the last 4 years!
Cathy Williams on August 14th, 2011
When you don’t know what to say, just say “I don’t know what to say.” It’s better than not showing someone that you are thinking of them. I don’t know you, but I live in Hartsville and have followed your blog for a while now. I don’t know what to say that would possibly make things better or help in any way, but I am thinking of you and you and your family are in my prayers.
Shannon on August 14th, 2011
Seriously, I think you rock! 🙂
Kathie on August 14th, 2011
Kerri, You are much like your mom. She would take yours or MC’s place in a minute…When it is your child, it is much worse than going through the illness yourself. You are amazing and your faith shines brightly in all that you do. Remember that if you ever do feel the least bit weak…God will carry you. You are your mother’s daughter.
chaarlow on August 14th, 2011
You go girl! You will beat this! Thank you for sharing with us your heart, your words are such an inspiration!