What I know.
Tomorrow, August 31st, McCanless has ballet class. I have Chemo 101.
Thursday, September 1st, I’ll have a PET scan. Friday, I have off.
Tuesday, September 6th, Dr. Sweatman will place my chemo port-outpatient.
Monday, September 12th, I will have my first of six planned chemo treatments.
Six treatments. Three weeks between each treatment.
Eighteen weeks of treatment
ending before the new year.
Following treatments, I will have surgery.
Dr. Sweatman was right, Dr. Butler is non-fuzzy. Wonderfully, non-fuzzy.
I do non-fuss, non-fuzzy.
Yesterday, I was ready.
Today, I realized how naive I am.
If you’ve never been in an oncologist hospital,
it’s a sobering place.
I thought I was ready.
I thought I knew what chemo was about.
I thought I could take this on,
head on.
Today, I’m scared.
Today, I visited a place I know I’ll grow to love and hate.
Today, I hurt for everyone who has ever had cancer.
Today, I ache for everyone who will face it.
Today, Mel and I discussed who would care for my girls if I couldn’t,
or wasn’t around,
a conversation I never thought we’d have so soon.
Today, I’m not so sure I’m ready, but here it is.
P.S. After I originally wrote this post, I clicked on a new blog friend’s website. Ironically, she had her very last chemo treatment at SCOA today, ending her journey as I was touring SCOA for the very first time today.She has done it. She was right here where I am eighteen weeks ago. She has worked with Dr. Sweatman, Dr. Butler, and she did it. Posted is a video of her with her twin baby girls “ringing the bell” as a mark of the end of her journey. Cheers to you, my new friend! Well done! www.luckyduckhitsspeedbump.blogspot.com. I can’t wait for the day I, too, can ring that bell!
14 Comments
Erica May on August 30th, 2011
Kerri, as always I am praying! My heart hurts for you that you have to go through this and that you and Mel have to have these conversations! No one is promised tomorrow so we all have to hold on tight to our faith and enjoy each day! You are such a strong person and I pray you only get stronger! I love you and will do anything I can! I would be glad to meet you in Columbia and hold your hand or just sit quiet next to you! I am so glad God put your family in our lives! I love you friend!
Angela on August 30th, 2011
Hi Kerri,
I remember walking through SCOA the first few times and having a difficult time looking around…not wanting to make eye contact with the ladies who were bald or wearing hats over their bald heads. I was afraid to join that group. And now I can say I am stronger for the experience and hope to help others with insight that only a survivor can!
Here’s my post about my PET/CT scan…..hope it is helpful.
http://luckyduckhitsspeedbump.blogspot.com/2011/04/petct-scan-appointment.html
Charles and I have had those same conversations about our girls and what would happen if I have to leave them too soon.
Take the day off after your port placement, it is not very comfortable, and you’ll want to take it easy. I went to work (teaching) and was wishing I was home all day.
The great news is that the odds are definitely in your favor! Plus you’re in very good hands at SCOA with Dr. Butler and the nurses who are on the cutting edge.
You will be ringing that bell soooooner than you think!
Your bloggin’ friend,
🙂 Angela
ann on August 31st, 2011
And remarkably to us – you know – God knows, He knows the plans He has for you, Kerri, ….plans for hope.
Jenny on August 31st, 2011
Kerri, you are always always in our thoughts and prayers. You can do this! I’m sure it’s a very scary and daunting journey you are starting but we are pulling for you and have faith that you can get through this and be there for your beautiful girls. ((hugs))
Erica on August 31st, 2011
Kerri – I have prayed continuously for your little Mary Clare, as my daughter is only a few months younger than her. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching her grow and wish my Addie and Mary Clare could meet – I know they’d hit it off! My mother in law works at SCOA and Dusty, who is one of her best friends and a fabulous nurse, will probably be your chemo nurse, so you’ll be well taken care of and in great hands. I’ll have my mother in law check in on you as you are there, hopefully letting you know that prayers are being lifted up for you, from me! Vicki, my mother in law, thinks Dr. Butler hung the moon – so you are in very good hands! Columbia is my hometown, and like I said, Vicki is there, so email me if you need anything and I’ll get you in touch with the right people, to hopefully make this as easy as possible for you.
Sissy - aka Sherrill on August 31st, 2011
Yea for ringing the bell – looks like a trip from FLA to hear it ring!
chaarlow on August 31st, 2011
Can’t wait to see you ring that bell!! So glad you found a new blogging friend to help you through this!
Aly on August 31st, 2011
I just happened upon your blog. My mother had breast cancer and is a survivor…the fight is hard but you can do it! Also I just watched a film called food matters on netflix and would recommend it to you!
Cathy Flowers (Hill) on August 31st, 2011
The first time I went with my Daddy to SCOA I was prego and had TONS of emotions…. I was amazed at the HUGE room with all the people sitting in the comfy chairs and it brought me to tears.How could there be so many sick people- laughing and talking… just like my Daddy! I was so scared for him, but he NEVER let it get him down… I know it will SUCK ( chemo is a lot different that we think of it from movies etc.)BUT YOU are one STRONG MOMMY via just reading your blog and even better my Daddy with be with you each Monday you are there and bring you ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE!!!… he will be your little/( round tummy 🙂 angel ….while you get your Monday cocktail!He always wears pink for the “LADIES” I will let him know to be on the look out for you! I am sure you are so scared, but God will be holding your hand just has he has done before! YOU WILL BEAT THIS- never stop thinking that.. even if it is hard to say on the bad days!… Sorry for the long post- but “cancer” is something I live with daily via my Daddy and I feel for anyone that has to walk down that road… just keep saying those words!! You will be in my prayers!
Rachel Medlin on August 31st, 2011
You WILL ring that bell, and I will be cheering as you do. I remember all too well when I had my first oncologist visit with Dr. Sitti in Florence and then my first chemo treatment. I, too, was apprehensive and didn’t know what to expect. The journey is not an easy one but you will look back one day and know that it probably could have been worse. Your support team is already in place and that will be such a source of comfort as you “travel” this road. You will also “connect” with at least one person who will be having chemo when you are and the two of you will look for each other as you come and go. I know I did! I am praying for you all the way!!! Go, girl, go!!!! 🙂
Love, Rachel
KATE on August 31st, 2011
I love you, Kerri! I will be here for your every step of the way.
Shannon Carter on August 31st, 2011
Praying. Just praying.
abrown on September 1st, 2011
Hi Kerri! The daughter of a friend at my office knows you, and she gave us the link to your blog. You write so beautifully! I just wanted to say that I am a 2-year breast cancer survivor. Went through surgery first, then chemo, then radiation, and now am in the midst of reconstruction. I wanted you to know that you will survive! Your positive attitude is truly an inspriation, and I know, even without knowing you, that you will come out on the other side victorious! Nothing is impossible with God, and nothing can separate you from His awesome love for you (Romans 8:35-39) You and your family are in my prayers!
Paige on August 30th, 2011
Hold strong, Hold tight….You have many people praying for you and it works!!! I am praying for you and know you will be okay. Hugs…and pink cake whenever you want….Paige