Just another journal entry…

It’s quiet in my house, and that means I have too much time to think.  I’m waiting on the girls to get home from the beach with Nonnie.  They left yesterday morning and are due back any minute.  Mom wanted to take Mary Clare to the Mermaid show at Ripley’s Aquarium.  She said MC sat in awe and completely mesmerized throughout the show, while McCanless kept rolling her eyes, telling her that mermaids were NOT real.  (Although, she told Nonnie after the show that she had the best day ever.)  Typical.

They had a fun evening last night at the aquarium and then hit the Pavilion rides at Broadway.  Today, the ocean was a bit rough, so they didn’t stay out long.

Even though it’s only been one night, I miss them terribly.  Although they drive me nuts some days, I miss them so when they aren’t around.  It’s almost 9 pm, so I’m sure Nonnie will need tomorrow to re-coup.  Good thing it’s Labor Day.

I’ve been reading Lucky Duck Hits Speed Bump a lot recently.   It’s truly remarkable how much better I feel just reading about my new blogging friend’s journey through breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, and still being able to be a mommy to two young girls and a wife to her hubby.  She is very open and honest and takes her treatment on full-steam ahead with humor and laughter.  She makes it clear that she understands how it’s a sensitive matter and some don’t feel comfortable being open and tongue-in-cheek.  It’s how she deals, though.  It’s how I deal.  I’m go glad to have her.

It’s easier for me to explain everything up front and tell my story once, right here.  I, like my friend, want to get it out in the open.  Why be ashamed?  Why leave an elephant in the room?  Cancer is a big deal, but it’s all around.  It evokes so many emotions and so many different reactions.  It’s interesting; I’ve learned who is curious about facts, who is sensitive, who only wants to know dates, who I can joke with, etc.   I love being open and answering questions that I know.

And if you want to know, but don’t want to ask, here’s what’s on my mind right now…

-Right now, I’m mostly thinking about my girls.  I so wish I would have been able to have the surgery/radiation route.  It would have been much easier to keep them from worrying about me.  Obviously, loosing my hair will be a pretty drastic change in my appearance.  They will notice that.  (I know that both of my girls aren’t really detail oriented, but if they miss that, I’ll have to call Ms. Irene, for sure, and get to work on that ASAP.)

-I’ve been very honest with both of them.  We’ve been talking about cancer and chemotherapy for a few weeks.  I’ve explained every detail and every step to them.  They know that the medicine that will kill the cancer will also make me tired and will make my hair fall out.  As I explained this to Mary Clare one night, she looked up at me with a smirk, laughed, tugged my hair, and said, “It’s not going anywhere, Mom.”  Needless to say, we’ve got a bit more convincing to do with her.  I just don’t want it to be a shock.

-My biggest fear is that I’ll not have the energy to be the mom I want to be.

-My second biggest fear is that my girls will be afraid of me.

-You know our generation of parents is so accommodating and is so paranoid of “screwing up” our children.  Count me in.  I just don’t want this to change who they are for the worse.  I know it will be a huge part of our family’s story.  It will change each of us.  I just hope I can help them through it all and that the impact it will have will not be a negative one.  Sometimes, I feel that McCanless grew up way too quickly as she watched, lived through her baby sister’s journey with a half-heart.  She learned tough lessons the hard way.  She learned to understand things beyond her years.  She became independent and understanding at a young age.  She learned that sometimes, life isn’t fair, but we keep going.  And again, that’s what we’ll do.  We’ll get through this, and we’ll keep on truckin’!

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