Chemo Journal-Day 3
September 14-Day 3
a.m. This morning, I woke up in tears. I think the emotional impact of what is happening to me has hit. Mel actually woke up first and started getting the girls together. (This has never happened. I’m always the one hitting the floor full steam ahead while asking him a thousand times to get up-I sing, I joke, then I fuss.) His thoughtfulness this morning was truly amazing. McCanless noticed that I was teary, and it broke my heart to see her worry about me. Mary Clare was Mary Clare, fussing about what she did not want to wear, how she insisted her hair look, refusing to potty, etc. She didn’t notice a thing.
As the girls team sat together on my bed, I brushed their hair and my tears poured. I want to take them to school, to dance afterwards, to Wednesday night church. My heart aches to do these things, but my body is not allowing me to do anything but move slowly around my house. Today, I feel trapped. Emotionally and physically. I’ve taken my pain meds, because I just ache in my shoulders, neck and head. I tried to brush my teeth and the toothpaste tasted like thick sugar gum. Coffee is about the only thing that somewhat seems normal today. I’m hoping after a nap I’ll muster up the energy for a quick walk. I always enjoy being outside.
p.m. Today was a long day, but guess what? I made it. My body ached some, but what hurt most today was the the cold hard realization that this is going to be a tough road. One that I’ve been fighting tooth and nail. It’s hard to admit that my heartaches far outweighed my body aches today. I’m not one to sit and allow things to pass along, so it’s excruciating to just be and allow all of this to happen. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to chill out and just be. I need not worry about trivial matters.
Today, was a great lesson for me. As soon as I journaled I was having a rough morning, my phone started ringing, friends stopped by and blessing after blessing flowed my way. I relished in each and every one of them. I am surrounded.
Overall Day 3: Not much nausea-just a pit of stomach ick. Took one nausea med this morning. Advil and Claritin at night. Nothing tastes the same. Headache, upper back, neck and shoulder aches. Stiff upper body. I took a nap with Mary Clare around 2:30-4, but otherwise kept up most of the day. Brief outside ventures to get fresh air. Doable.
12 Comments
Libby on September 14th, 2011
PRAYING HARD KERRI
Praying that God wraps his comforting arms around you and provide you with the strength to carry on through this day and all the days forward as powerful drugs assault and eradicate the cancer. When you victoriously “ring that bell”, we will give thanks for your medical team, your family, and your friends, who lovingly fought this battle alongside you. More importantly, we will give God all the praise and glory for the wondrous works He did for you and through you in this season of your life.
Blessings to you and your family,
Libby Gabel
First Baptist
Rachel Medlin on September 14th, 2011
I, too, am following along and praying for you. I don’t understand having a child with HLHS, but I DO understand how you are feeling about having cancer, going through chemo, feeling tired, food tasting yuck, etc. You will find what you like to eat and what you feel like doing; I’m not saying it’s easy, just possible. Hang in there! You will get through this. Lots of love– Rachel
Angela McCall on September 14th, 2011
Hi Kerri,
I’m glad you posted how you’re feeling…just so sorry that today is so hard. Based on my experience, I’m thinking by Saturday, you’ll be feeling some better, and Sunday probably tired but better.
Sometimes hard candy with strong flavors helped when the tastebud thing got the worst.
It is totally understandable that your emotions are catching up with your situation. You’ve been through a whirlwind of events. Let those tears come and let your support system do what they are offering. One thing I regret is not letting more people help me that wanted to…hopefully, you’ll be able to do better about that. 🙂
I sure wish I could do more than respond to your blog.
I’m sending big hugs your way,
Angela
Alli on September 14th, 2011
I just wanted to let you know that we are here thinking about and praying for your family. I shared your story with some of our extended family and they are also concerned and praying for you. I hope that you will continue to be able to track your good days and bad days. Just remember that so many are behind you. I hope that you get the chance for some good rest today!
Hugs!
Alli
Cathy Flowers (Hill) on September 14th, 2011
I am on outsider when it comes to cancer.. I have just watched my Daddy fight and continue to fight! Some days SUCKED for him, but others were GREAT!!! He just kept saying ” this too shall past” and it DID!! I just kept telling him ” you are stronger than this cancer!!! Today might REALLY suck, but tomorrow you are one step closer.This time next year you can read this and head off to doing ” the girl things and living” right now you just have a bump! Hang in there!!!
Betsy on September 14th, 2011
My heart broke for you today as I “saw” you struggle. Remember the troops are here when you need us (even 300 miles away), don’t be too proud to let us know when you are down. I hope tomorrow is a better day! Love you!
awoxland on September 14th, 2011
Hi Kerri…
I had to leave a message… I was searching the net for “tutu” birthday cake ideas and was brought to your site… I was looking at pictures and saw your daughter with her “heart” friend… that triggered something so I searched more… The reason I was looking for a tutu cake was for my daughter Sophie’s 2nd birthday this weekend. She too has HLHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are the chances??? She has been through the Norwood and Glenn and will have her Fontan this spring… I am glad to hear that she is doing well. I then continued reading and saw some more recent posts. I am so sorry to hear about your cancer. It sounds like you are going in FIGHTING just like we hope our girls do! WAY TO GO! I live in MN so don’t know that we will ever meet. We do live real close to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, so if you ever should find yourself over here… I will pray for you and your family and keep up to date with your blog. Good Luck!
Janet on September 15th, 2011
Kerri,
I pray for you every day. I hope you will be getting better each day! I live in Columbia and keep up with you through your blog….May God Bless you each day…..Janet
Hannah Amell on September 15th, 2011
I drove to work today thinking I had so much to do. Now, I’m sitting at my desk, albeit in tears, but nonetheless humbled. None of it seems important anymore. YOU. ARE. AMAZING. Really, I have a new role model and her name is Kerri. Keep the sunshine in your life and know we are sending love you way, always : )
Jill McElveen on September 15th, 2011
Kerri- You are an amazing woman/mother/wife/daughter/friend. Thank you for sharing your journey with us through your blog, even when you don’t feel like sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family constantly. You are going to get through this, I believe that with all my heart. Keep your spirits up! But we are all here for you when they get down. Please let me know if you ever need/want anything! Love you, Jill
Jenny on September 19th, 2011
Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers always Kerri.
Erin on September 14th, 2011
I am still reading and following along and praying for you and your family. I might understand having a child with hlhs, but I certainly cannot begin to understand your feelings about having cancer and going through chemo. What an awful lot for a family and mom to face. Looks like you have a great team in place and love surrounding you. I’m sure one hard part is being patient with this process. Just remember that like Mary Clare and our heart kids have to take one step at at time when they are going through things- and they sacrifice precious moments of their childhood being sedated, sleeping and being still as they heal- so now you need to give yourself that time to recover as well. Nap in the sunshine and think rejuvenating thoughts 🙂
Lots of prayers and hope coming your way from another heart family.