So ready and so not ready ramblings…
Although, today is a fantastic day, as I’m feeling wonderful, the dread of next week is looming. I keep telling myself, it’s treatment 3 and that’s half way there.
I’m half-way there.
But I just can’t shake that feeling of a constant countdown. Today, tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday.
My life is now lived in weeks. Week 1 is horrible, week 2 is better and in week 3, my energy level is best, so I try to pack in as much as I can because the countdown is on. You see, it’s never out of my mind. My great days on chemo are still far from my normal days not on chemo.
I catch glimpses of my round head in shadows at night, passing the mirror in the dining room, or in my car’s rear-view mirror. I’ve grown tired of “hiding” my head and I often leave it exposed. It’s just a nuisance to keep it covered at all times. If I do cover it, I’m typically in a hat. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get used to it. I’ve accepted it, embraced it, even, but it’s still something so unnatural to me.
I wondered last night if Mary Clare will even remember my hair. Even after chemo, my nurse explained, your hair begins to grow very slowly. So, I imagine it will be years before I have longer hair again. I may never have long hair again. I loved my short do. Time will tell. Mary Clare told her teacher that she was angry with her daddy because he shaved my head. Then I saw an art project she created with a portrait of me. Her teacher wrote her quote, “My beautiful bald mom.” My hope is that she and McCanless are learning from this experience, too. Hopefully learning tolerance, acceptance and compassion.
I’ve prepared for next week in terms of schedules-Mel has a conference in Chicago, so I’m flying solo all week. I’ve planned a chemo party with a few friends on Monday morning who are kind enough to get me there and home. I’ve rationed out the girls and made dance, school, lunch, doctor visits, med checklists. I’m ready, but I’m so not ready.
Regardless, it’s here.
But.
I’m half-way there.
5 Comments
Carrie on October 20th, 2011
Love and a hug
Terri Woodham on October 20th, 2011
Half way-before you know it you’ll be through. Your hair WILL be long and beautiful, again, if you wish. It will all be a memory, a learning experience and the realizaion that cancer can happen to anyone. We all need to listen to our bodies.
Thank you, my love, I hate you’re having to experience Chemo, losing your hair, being extremely tired and not being the Kerri you would like to be, but you have taught so many the true meaning of courage, faith, strength, and love. Even in pain, you always have that beautiful smile.
I love you with all my heart, MOM
cici on October 21st, 2011
WOW! You truly are blessed with a loving husband, two adorable sweet daughters and a loving Mom that many only dream to have.
God is blessing you at this very moment.
I hope Feel the healing that surrounds you.
xoxo
Sissy - aka Sherrill on October 21st, 2011
Half Way to the bell ringing
cici on October 20th, 2011
half way is probably the hardest. Looking back remembering and looking forward wondering.
Aww sweet Mary Clare, not quite understanding what Daddy was doing to Mommy, not knowing how hard it must have been for Mommy and Daddy, but knowing Mommy is beautiful no matter what.
I think of you often, although we have never met and I hope you feel that you are hugged in Prayer.