Chemo bits…

I’m on week 3 before my 5th treatment.  I can’t believe it.  I’m almost at the finish line.  This week is always tough because it’s a countdown to week 1, which has begun to get pretty bad.  Doable, but not something I ever want to go through again.  Here are a few things going on right now.

-My fingernails are always sore.  They are bruised.  They have pink/purple splotches on the center of each nail.  It looks and feels as if I’ve smashed each of them.  I started using tea tree oil every day in hopes that it will salvage them.

-My toenails are yellow.  My pinky toenails are deep purple.

-My eyelashes are really beginning to get thin, especially on the bottom.  I have large gaps in between lashes and my eyebrows are very thin.  I think this is probably harder than losing the hair on my head.  I guess I never really thought about losing my eyelashes and eyebrows.   It really makes me look sick.  I hate that.  Even when I feel great, I get asked if I’m, “feeling badly today?”

-I assumed that when my Oncologist told me treatments would snowball, getting worse with each, that he meant it would take longer to recover from each one.  They have, in fact, gotten much worse, but I’m always feeling better by the end of week one.  It doesn’t take longer to get over, they are just much more intense during that first week.  I always tell myself, “I can do anything for one week…I can do anything for one week.”  MC is also my inspiration.  I can’t imagine how open heart surgery must feel.  She’s done it three times.  If she can do that, I can certainly make it through this.

-I’m gaining weight.  It’s only a couple of pounds, but at least I’m not losing, right?

-My port area has almost become a part of me.  I thought the soreness would never end.  I thought I’d never get used to the perfect metal circle protruding from my right chest, a constant reminder of my chemo, but it’s something I almost never think of anymore.

-I often wonder if Mel or the girls ever look at me walking around our house with my bald head and secretly wish I had hair.  I do so often.

-I know this could be so much worse, and I’m thankful that I am able to get chemo.  Some aren’t quite so lucky.  So, while I secretly wish for hair, shed tears as I countdown until my last week 1, and just breathe and smile to make it through the day, I also think of how amazing this chapter in my life is, filled with overwhelming love.  I am a lucky girl.


cici  on November 28th, 2011

Thank you for sharing this, I was wondering how you were doing.

The leaves fall off the trees and they are bare for a short while, but they always renew their beauty in the Spring, most times more beautiful than ever.
So shall you sweetheart.
My Prayers continue for week 5

tammy haarlow  on November 28th, 2011

You are amazing Kerri! Pray’n for you here in Albuquerque!!!!!

Cathy  on November 28th, 2011

When we went to SCOA the other day with Bays and she ran across the ” cocktail” chairs to my Daddy yelling “Papa”… all I could think was thank you God for this place and saving my Daddy and they continue to do so…. I know you have a VERY different “view” of that room than me- I do not hurt when I leave there, but I always leave with a heavy heart for others like my Daddy and you- he also wears a big smile like you, but I know some days he would rather not. I always think to myself… “why”…..”why”( not my Daddy)…. I am so sorry …. just know tomorrow is a new day and God is just a call away when life gets too heavy… Prayers for you… You should be very proud of yourself in this journey….you are a strong person and you have kicked this cancer in the booty!!! 🙂 Big prayers for you!

Gretchen  on November 28th, 2011

Kerri – Try Biotin and a B-complex vitamin (both over the counter) to help with the nails. Tea tree oil will help topically too though!

Happy Heart  on November 28th, 2011

You are such an amazing writer even in the midst of everything that is going on right now. You always have a way to inspire others. God is weaving a beautiful tapestry in your life.

Praying that you feel better very soon!

Terri Woodham  on November 29th, 2011

Almost over…keep thinking that. We notice your hair, but it doesn’t block the view from inside. I don’t think of your pretty bald head with the reminder I let you fall off the bed as a child and left that scar right on top. We see the pretty sparkle in your eyes, not that you’re missing a few lashes; and your smile makes my heart and soul proud to say your are truly a great person and a beautiful daughter, inside and out. I love you with all of my heart. God has given you the talent to share these most heartfelt feelings in your writing and we have all learned from your experience. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this, but you are strong and will be stronger, and so will we!

Judy and Walter Brown  on November 30th, 2011

You are also blessed by a pretty terrific Mom, who is very articulate herself!
while the rest of us can’t love you as a mother would, Terri really expresses very well some of how we all feel about you and your journey. Thank you, Terri, for being able to put these feelings into words. Still praying………