In a funk…
Today, I’m in a funk.
Being bald is easy when you look healthy. Being bald is tough when you look sick. I’m tired.
Tired of chemo.
Tired of having bags under my eyes when I’m not tired.
Tired of looking sick.
Tired of being sick.
My skin is yellow.
My eyelashes have gaps.
My eyebrows are almost gone.
When I catch a glimpse of myself passing the hallway mirror, or when I see the round shadow of my head in the light on the wall, I’m still surprised. Shocked. A few weeks ago, I met Mel for lunch. I saw him walk in and thought he saw me immediately. When he walked right past me and asked a server where I was, I realized he didn’t recognize me with my “brunette” bob.
I hate that Mary Clare and McCanless know why I’m bald, understand why I’m bald and are okay with me being bald.
I’m not okay with being bald.
I’m so ready for normal.
I’m so ready to have hair. Eyelashes. Eyebrows.
…
Some are not as fortunate as I. I know this.
It’s just that today,
I’m in a funk.
14 Comments
Jen F. on December 16th, 2011
It’s okay to feel a little funky – you deserve it. I’m sure you had days when MC was in the hospital that you were in a funk, too! Just don’t allow yourself to wallow in the funk for long.
Coach Kay Yow, NC State’s beloved women’s basketball coach, died of breast cancer several years ago. One of my favorite expressions from her was:
“Don’t wallow in self-pity. Just swish your feet.”
http://www.alumniblog.ncsu.edu/2010/01/25/remembering-coach-kay-yow/
Praying for better days tomorrow!
jf
Angie Brown on December 16th, 2011
Kerri, you will be surprised how quickly your hair will start growing once you finish chemo – I finished mid-November, and on Christmas Day, I saw the most beautiful fuzz! I too lost my lashes and eyebrows, but I can honestly say that I don’t remember them coming back. One morning, they were just there. In the mean time, use brown eye shadow where your eye brows should be, and put mascara on what lashes you do have. It makes you feel better.
You are in my prayers. Hang in there! and Merry Christmas!!!
Carrie on December 16th, 2011
Getting in a funk here and there I think is completely normal and okay, I sure hope so…or I am in trouble. Praying the sunny warm weather brightens your day. Hugs!
Dena B. on December 16th, 2011
There is a woman who shops at the same grocery as I, who is bald and, quite obviously, going through chemo. The first time I saw her, her beauty, in all her baldness and sickness, so touched me that I stopped and observed her from a distance as she carefully chose her foods. Moving from the health food dry goods to the produce, her hands softly touching the greens as she passed, I found myself moving with her, wanting very much to have a conversation with her. We spoke briefly of organic vegetables and whatever else I cannot tell you. What I can tell you is that she touched my life in that brief moment of conversation in a way that cannot be explained. It was a God moment for me; one of those moments seemingly inconsequetial but yet of huge impact on our lives. Perhaps the impact, for me, was her true vulnerability, true humility, and her unparalleled beauty.
Often we are our own worst critics, unable to see ourselves as others see us, as, obviously from the comments on this website, those around you see you, Kerri. You are a beautiful young woman, sickness or no sickness.
Rest well today. Be kind to yourself. Tomorrow is another day, and as you piece your days together, one day you will look back and realize that this is all behind you.
My love to you, Mel, the girls, your mother and the dog.
Mom sends her love also. She is very interested in who your doctor and surgeon are. I told her I would look on your website and let her know.
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! And God bless!
Much love,
Dena B.
chaarlow on December 16th, 2011
We love you girl!!
cici on December 16th, 2011
Now I am in a funk, about you being in a funk. funk ,funk,funk. Funk be gone we will have no more of you. I think we always see ourselves worse than others do. How about you take a day off and get a facial or massage to lift your mood.
I walked right passed my daughter in a restaurant after she lightened her hair, so don’t let that bother you.
Mel walking right by you reminds me of an old “I Love Lucy” episode, when Lucy wore an Italian wig and flirted with Ricky. 🙂
Please Cheer up knowing you are almost there.
{{{hugs}}}
Sissy - aka Sherrill on December 16th, 2011
End of the tunnel is getting close…..brush on some eyebrows & smile…..just for a laugh – I didn’t have eyebrows until I was 30.
Judy Brown on December 16th, 2011
Sad that you are feeling badly, but glad to find that you are really normal and you get down just like the rest of us. Allow yourself the down times so that you and your family can appreciate the up times. “You lift me up”!!!! Thank you for that!
Jean on December 16th, 2011
I love how honest you were in this post. We all have our “funky” days and some of us are too proud to admit to them. I appreciate that you did and glad that it was short lived.
Cathy hill on December 16th, 2011
Funk happens… Then next year will happen and hair etc will happen….they make some great stuff for eyelashes….you are beating this…. Some days I stay in a funk about my daddy… My heart hurts for him…..but the funk lifts when I see that smile or get a hug… I am sure what you are going through sucks, but you win and in the end that is all that matters… Enjoy your funk but do not give up that smile…..
Mom said she saw u and that u looked cute as a button….prayers still coming your way every night.
Terri Woodham on December 17th, 2011
You have earned the right to have one of those days-I don’t like me some days,and I don’t have any excuse for bags under my eyes or looking yuck!
Mine is old age! But I have plenty to be thankful for-look at my beautiful family-don’t mind getting older and uglier at all.
Your day is coming…and everything will be back to (almost) normal-hair, eyebrows, eyelashes the works! You are still so beautiful-trust me and everyone else! I love you, MOM
yesiri on December 17th, 2011
You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t have some “down” days. You have the most amazing attitude as you’ve faced the health challenges of your family. Everyone needs a time out as reality is faced. It’s nice you can admit it for the rest of us. Hair is such a big thing we take for granted. My brother had bone and brain cancer and said losing his hair was the final straw. Your battle will be worth it and when you have your teeny little hairs growing back, you will feel more beautiful than you ever have. I think from the pictures you’ve had on here, you truly look beautiful now.
KATE on December 17th, 2011
you amaze me everyday, kerri. always beautiful. i love you so very much.
Cherry McCoy on December 16th, 2011
It’s OK….I think you are allowed funks! And don’t blame poor “51 commitment” Mel for having tunnel vision!! Just kidding! Kerri, seriously, you are a beautiful young woman in a temporary funk…..hang in there!